Tales of a Madman
Is it possible to look back at your life and point out exactly what made you into the man you are today? I don't think that it is but my shrink wants to know why I blew away all those Shivers and she reckons that this is the best way for me to "find myself". I reckon that she's talking shit but unless I do what she says, the bastards don't give me the Rush that I need to get through the day.
Pretend that you're talking to an audience the shrink says. Easy for her to say since she's not the one talking to a vid camera that stares back at you, just waiting for you to make a fool of yourself. Have you ever tried to sit and talk to a machine for hours on end, day in and day out? Believe me when I tell you that your mouth dries up, your tongue gets tangled over the simplest words and all the memories that plague you in your sleep fade away like the mist that rises from the Cannibal Sectors. The camera isn't just recording my words, it's draining my soul, ready to spit it out on command when those white-coated ghouls want to dissect my thoughts.
I'm just a specimen to those monsters, something to study until they understand me. What then, what do they decide to do when they finally figure out what makes me tick? Do you think that they'll waste their time on me after that? No, by that time something new will have come along, some new freak for them to explore. As soon as I stop being an interesting case I'll be disposed of. Instead of a white-coat with a syringe, it'll be a uniform with a FEN!
But until that day I'll keep doing the tricks that they teach me. I'm in no hurry to die, there isn't any 'better place' for me to go to when Slayer has finally drained my soul to feed his ego. Oh, my white-coats won't be happy about that little statement. They tell me that I can never be cured until I stop thinking of Slayer as an enemy. Of course, they don't call him Slayer, it has to be Mr. Slayer. Don't you think it strange that one word can change a description into a name.
"You must thank Mr Slayer for what he has done for us," they say. "Without him our planets would have been destroyed in the Conflict Wars or worse, we would be under the thumb of aliens. Could you imagine what it would be like if we humans had to bow down to an alien ruler?"
Do these white-coats realise what they are saying? Can they possible believe that Slayer is even vaguely human? But Slayer thrives on the controlled racism that runs through our hearts. We humans are programmed to think that aliens are dangerous unless they are controlled. Ebons and Brain Wasters are okay because they can't even think without Intruders permission and he is kept on a lead at Slayer's side. The Shaktar and the Wraiths are only kept around because they can be useful and they worship Slayer like we do.
The vids brain-wash us with their images of aliens as being either stupid and cuddly or ugly and intent on destroying all humans. The word alien is the key concept here. It starts with us hating all the alien races but it boils down to us hating anything that is different from the way that Slayer says we should be. We like to kid ourselves that humans are the dominant race, but how can we say that when we are puppets dancing on strings that are firmly in Slayer's grasp.
Slayer made himself Emperor of the Universe but that isn't enough for him. It isn't enough that we fear him, we have to worship him as well. All through our lives we are told that we would have nothing if it wasn't for the generosity of Slayer but we surely give back far more than we could ever take from him. He sits in that tower of his and he feeds off our emotions . Respect will nourish him but it tastes bland and he isn't prepared to be just fed. He is a gourmet and will only accept the sweetest and freshest of food. Fear and terror are appetisers that wake up the taste buds, but it is awe that sets him to drooling and makes his appetite all the stronger. When we worship him, it is like a vampire feeding on the blood of a virgin. He grows stronger with every drop but at the same time, the blood gushing down his throat starts a hunger that can only be kept in check by more and more blood. Sooner or later there will be no more blood left to feed on and then what?
When we have been drained of all our emotions, what will we become? Already we are changing, becoming less and less affected by everything that is going on around us. How many times have you watched the vid and seen an operative being blown away by some psychotic street punk with a gun and an attitude to match? What emotions run through you when you see this poor fool's brain being spread cross the sidewalk? Do you feel pity for him, perhaps it is horror that something like that could happen in the civilised world that you live in? No! You feel excitement. You get an almost sexual buzz from when you see the fresh blood staining the concrete. Your breathing gets heavier as you lean forward in your seat, making sure that you don't miss any of the action. The blood starts rushing through your veins and your heart pounds heavily against your chest. Maybe sweat breaks out on your forehead and your palms, and you notice that your hands have clenched into fists. This is what happens to you when you see someone getting killed on the vid. Imagine what it would be like if you were actually there and could see it happening for yourself. Think of the rush that would hit you if you could hear his screams first hand and maybe, if you were really lucky, you might even be able to smell the blood.
From here it is only a small step to killing someone for yourself. You can see the terror in his eyes as you point the gun at him. For once in your pathetic life someone is actually scared of you. You have control of the situation and you quickly grow drunk with the surge of feelings that hit you. Power, strength and strangely enough, purity. Nothing that makes you feel this good could possibly be an evil act, could it? They will do anything you want, just so that you let them live a bit longer. You want them to grovel, to kiss your feet, to cry, they'll do it. The power makes you feel good, it makes you feel alive and then you pull the trigger.
Time seems to slow to a crawl as if, by some miracle, you are being allowed to enjoy your moment of glory for eternity. The slug seems to swim out towards the victim and you have time to memorise the look on his face. The paleness of his complexion and the tears running across his cheeks will stay in your memory for ever. Then it's over. He's been thrown back by the force of the slug and his arms are thrown wide as if he is preparing to greet an old lover. He hits the ground with a dull, wet thud and suddenly time takes back its normal pace. A person lies dead at your feet and what do you feel? Remorse, regret, shock? All you feel is the sexual buzz slipping away from you and you know that the only way you can get it back is to kill again.
That is the sort of person that Slayer has created. That is the sort of world that we live in. It took me a long time to realise what I had been turned into and now that I do, Slayer's pets lock me up and call me insane. They took me out of the field because I was too dangerous. Slayer trained me to kill whenever he pulled the strings but I cut my strings and made my own choices. There is no way that our friend Slayer is going to allow any free will in his Universe.
When I killed on command I was given a luxurious apartment, more credits than I knew what to do with and respect from everyone I met. When I killed those that deserved to die I was locked up and told that I was insane. I know what you're going to say now.
"What gives you the right to decide who should live and who should die?"
It's very simple really. There's an old saying that goes something like, "Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword!" The people who deserve to die are the ones who go around killing innocent people - the Shivers!
How can people get to be so heartless and cold as the Shivers are? Have you ever tried to talk to one of those freaks? It's like trying to have a conversation with a robot. Those guys have no emotions left in them at all. It's as though any feelings they might have had have been drained out of them in the training they go through to become Shivers. What could ever possess a person to want to become one? They spend all their lives on the streets, having to deal with street gangs, mutants, carrien, pimps, pushers, whores, freaks, psychos and how do they deal with this sort of life? They crush any emotions they ever had and start treating people as numbers or units.
To a Shiver, the kid high on drugs and threatening to kill the whore isn't someone to be pitied, he is a defective unit that has to be corrected. And if the whore dies along the way, well, what the hell, there are plenty of other units coming off the production line to take her place. I saw it happen.
The kid, he could only have been 14 at most, was out of his head on something or other. He was holding the whore hostage and was demanding that his family be given a home or he would kill her. That was all he wanted, just somewhere for his parents and his little sister to live. Not too much to ask for, is it? Anyway, the Shivers were called in to deal with it and instead of trying to talk the kid out of doing anything stupid they just opened up and blew him away. The whore was killed by a wild shot but hey, accidents happen. The Shivers didn't even listen to what the kid wanted. The whole thing was over in less than 10 minutes and a kid was killed because his family didn't have anywhere to stay.
That was when I realised that the people who were employed to keep the civilians safe were the very ones who were causing the most harm. It has been drummed into us to respect authority but what do you do when that authority doesn't respect you? I had been trained to act as a trouble-shooter, to remove anything that was a threat to the safety of SLA Industries. Back then, I still believed that Slayer wanted what was best for us and I couldn't believe that he knew what sort of monsters the Shivers were. So, I followed my training and removed the threat - I killed the squad of Shivers that had killed the kid.
After that I spent a few days clearing the city of any Shivers that I came across. That went on until I was taken down by a couple of operatives that had been sent out to bring me in. I actually went through training at Meny with one of them but now I was just a mission to them. I've got to admit that they did a very neat job of it. They traced me to the dive where I was sleeping and threw a couple of concussion grenades through the window. By the time I realised what was going on I was cuffed and being dragged into the back of a Shiver APC.
And here I am, talking to a machine and waiting for my next fix of Rush. My shrink says that I have to describe as many of my missions as I can remember, in as much detail as I can manage. She says that something must have happened in my past to make me the way I am. Yeah, something did happen, I came to my sense and realised what a monster Slayer is. Given time you might see things for what they are, but I doubt that you will be given this time. I don't think that there's much time left for any of us.
Next time you watch a killing on the vid or see a Shiver walking down the street, remember what I said. Think about how you feel when you see the blood. Think about it, but don't think too hard or you might just end up screaming at the walls in a padded cell of your own